Dr. Saliha Afridi On Self-Acceptance: How Do I Tend To The Most Important Relationship I Will Ever Have?
The Clinical Psychologist and Managing Director of The LightHouse Arabia explains how self-awareness and self-acceptance are the foundation for any successful relationship in her February 2022 column for Bazaar Arabia
February is the month when many of us consider our relationships. Those who are in relationships want to celebrate them and those who are not in relationships might wonder what they can do to attract a healthy one. What many people do not consider is the most important relationship they will have in their life – and that is their relationship with themselves. With constant noise from the outside world, whether it is social media, our work life or personal obligations, most people don’t have the time or the space needed to get to know themselves or relate to their inner life. And the reality is that most people will do anything to get away from both those things. It’s not hard to imagine why – most of us are not taught how to have a relationship with ourselves. We are taught to sacrifice ourselves, adapt, please and understand others, but never really taught or encouraged to do those things with ourselves.
The truth is that the quality of your personal and professional relationships is a direct reflection of the depth of your relationship with yourself. You only see, value, and contain those aspects of others that you have encountered within yourself as well. So how does one begin to cultivate a healthy relationship with themselves? Here are a few ways you can get started; by no means is this list conclusive, but it is a good place to begin.
Dr. Saliha Afridi On Self-Acceptance and Self-Awareness: Tips From A Psychologist…
Make Time For Solitude, Silence, Stillness and Space
If you wanted to get to know someone or learn about something in-depth, you have to invest time. Similarly, you will need to spend uninterrupted time with yourself to get to know the inner you. Some people feel very uncomfortable when they are alone as they feel many of their ‘demons’ come to the surface, so they fill every hour of every day with activities and information, keeping themselves busy to avoid this inner dialogue. But that inner dialogue is a part of you, and running away from yourself is not going to make that part of you go away. So you should purposefully create space in your day when you turn off social media, and step away from your work or family routine to spend time with yourself. This is very important.
The point is not to force a dialogue, but just to start honouring that inner voice that needs tending to; you need to begin a relationship with that part of you. When disturbing thoughts come to the surface, welcome them by saying, “yes, this is also me,” or “I honour this part of me too.” When you are ready, you can start a dialogue with yourself but first just start visiting your inner world and hearing your inner voice.
Look at Big Emotions As Clues
There are many times in your week where you will feel big emotions – excitement, irritation, sadness, and be overwhelmed. Consider these moments as entry points into what is most important to you. Our feelings are messengers, showing us what is important, what we need to work on, and what we need to address and heal.
Look for Patterns
After you have passed your late 20s you have gone through many life experiences. You have made friends and lost some, loved, been betrayed by others or been taken advantage of. There are certain patterns in your relationships that you can pick up if you look at different parts of your life – work, personal, family, online etc. Is there a pattern to how you make friends? What do you do when you want to deepen a friendship? What happens when there is conflict? What happens when you need something from someone? Do you start to feel resentful at certain points or feel unseen or unheard? If you observe how you behave in different relationships you will start to see how you are with others, and inevitably that will lead you to more information about yourself.
“The relationship you have with yourself is a lifelong commitment, not a weekend workshop”
Cultivate Compassion
Without compassion, shame will always keep some parts of you hidden away. Most of us carry a lot of shame about aspects of ourselves – our tendency to get angry, lie, gossip, or seek attention. We would all like to believe that we are all good all the time, but the truth is that there are parts of our character that we would rather not acknowledge. To cultivate a relationship with yourself means you see all parts of yourself and you show them compassion, and then choose to operate from your highest values. And when you start to acknowledge these parts of you, a transformative thing happens, and those aspects no longer feel so big or scary or shameful. You see them as a part of your whole human existence and accept that they are there. Accepting them in yourself makes you more accepting and more forgiving of other people’s faults as well.
Ask For Feedback
We all have blind spots and there are many things we don’t know and cannot see when it comes to ourselves. Asking those who are closest to you as well as those you work with to give you honest feedback could give you some insight. Be open, curious, and know that it is a perspective of reality and not you in your totality. If someone says that they find you too intense, this does not mean you are too intense, it means that your interface for this particular person feels like it is too intense. The way to integrate that feedback would be to say, “some people can experience me as being too intense.” You need to ask, “how can I be more aware of the people in my surroundings so that I can be sensitive to those who might find this to be true?” And, “what parts of myself could I access in those situations to adapt to my environment?” This does not mean you must change yourself or your intensity in its entirety but you do become aware of your impact on others. The relationship you have with yourself is a lifelong commitment.
This is not a weekend workshop you attend to instantly learn everything there is to know about yourself. It is also not about doing a box-ticking exercise. Show up for yourself every single day in some way and engage with your inner voice in a meaningful way.
From Harper’s Bazaar Arabia’s February 2022 issue.