“Don’t Trust Yourself Until You Know Yourself”: Bazaar Arabia Columnist Dr. Saliha Afridi on How To Cultivate Self-Assurance and Confidence

Being the truest and best version of ourselves comes from building personal trust from the inside out, explains clinical psychologist Dr. Saliha Afridi PsyD (USA), managing director of The Lighthouse Arabia

“Trust yourself.” This phrase is often offered as advice when we face hesitation or find ourselves in the throes of self-doubt. However, I propose a different perspective: “Don’t trust yourself until you know yourself.” Because isn’t a prerequisite for trusting anyone knowing them well enough to rely on their judgment?

Trusting yourself means having confidence in your abilities, judgments, and inner wisdom. It means believing that you are capable of making sound decisions and handling whatever challenges come your way. And just as you build trust in a person through time, effort, intimacy, understanding, and reliability, self-trust is developed through a consistent commitment to yourself. By deeply understanding your own strengths, limitations, and values, and by following through on your commitments to yourself, you lay the foundation for genuine self-trust.

Here are a few ways you can cultivate self-trust.

1. Spend Time With Yourself

There is no way to know someone or something unless you spend time with it. Make a commitment to show up for yourself every day without the distractions of technology. This can be through a reflective practice such as journaling, taking a tech-free walk, checking in with yourself, or engaging in mindfulness meditation. If you are not sure where to start the conversation with yourself, imagine you just met yourself for the first time and ask questions to get to know yourself. These practices allow you to deepen your self-awareness and understand your thoughts, feelings, and values more clearly.

2. Get to Know Your Inner Committee

We often hear that trusting yourself means ‘listening to your inner voice’. However, when we tune in to hear that voice, we are overwhelmed by the orchestra of voices we hear. I envision this set of voices as an “Inner Committee.” The first step to identifying your authentic self or Inner Guide is to get to know the entire committee. You might notice the different members of this inner commmitte, such as the Saboteur, the Rebel, the People Pleaser, the Vulnerable Child, the Magical Thinker, the Wise Adult, the Inner Critic, and the Inner Guide, among others. By paying attention and listening, you’ll see patterns in how these voices appear and what each one distinctly sounds like. For instance, after a setback on a project, multiple inner voices might chime in with their feedback for you: the Inner Critic, the Magical Thinker, Inner Guide, and the Wise Adult, among others. It’s important to let each voice be heard and consider their counsel, then let your conscious self decide what to do next.

3.Tune In To Your Inner Guide

Once you become familiar with your Inner Committee, it’s time to tune into your Inner Guide. Different cultures recognise this guide by various names: the ancient Greeks called it the “daimon,” the Romans referred to it as the “genius,” and in Arabic, it is known as the “ruh” (soul or spirit). Regardless of what it’s called, each tradition believes in a guiding inner spirit that influences character and destiny, offering protection and wisdom throughout life. You may have already connected with this part of yourself in moments of clarity, and the goal is to cultivate a deep relationship with it, which will serve as the foundation of self-trust.

4. So how do you tune into the wisdom of the Inner Guide?

When the entire Inner Committee is speaking, the Inner Guide will be the one that speaks the fewest words and in the softest voice, often coming from the area of your heart or gut rather than your head. It communicates in brief phrases like ‘go ahead,’ ‘you know what to do,’ or ‘not now.’ You have to be still and quiet to hear what the Inner Guide says; it speaks softly not because it is unsure, but because it doesn’t need to scream out what it knows.

5. Take Small Risks and Learn from Your Mistakes

Once you start listening to the guidance from your Inner Guide, start taking some risks by asking for its support to help you step out of your comfort zone. These risks don’t have to be monumental; they can be as simple as trying a new hobby, speaking up in a meeting, or setting a challenging goal. Each small risk you take and succeed in boosts your confidence and reinforces the belief that you can trust yourself.

6. When things go wrong as they sometimes do, instead of being hard on yourself or viewing them as failures, see them as opportunities for growth.

When you make a mistake, take the time to reflect on what happened and what you can learn from it. This mindset shift transforms errors into valuable lessons. The more you learn from your mistakes, the more you’ll trust yourself to handle whatever comes your way.

7. Keep Your Commitments to Yourself

Trust is built on consistently following through on your commitments. We all know that person who makes plans but flakes out at the last minute – how much do you trust that person’s word? Similarly, if you make a plan or a commitment to yourself, like “I am going for a walk tomorrow at 8am” you must follow through. Keeping promises to yourself, no matter how small, reinforces the idea that you are reliable and capable. Over time, this builds a solid foundation of self-trust. Each commitment you honour enhances your confidence and establishes a pattern of self-reliability and self-dependability, allowing you to trust your own abilities and judgments more deeply.

From Harper’s Bazaar Arabia’s September 2024 issue