What Is Love? Dr. Saliha Afridi Shares A Simple Answer To Possibly The Most Difficult Question
Dr. Saliha Afridi, clinical psychologist, managing director of The LightHouse Arabia and Bazaar’s columnist, explains how true love might be very simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to attain
For as far back as we can remember, we have looked for a way to describe the experience of love. Growing up we listened to it in the love songs that touched us, we looked for it as we read poetry that moved us, and we saw it in romantic movies that (falsely) shaped our idea of what love is. Poets, philosophers and writers all have tried to find ways to give us a glimpse of this mysterious experience called love, and yet these definitions and descriptions always felt abstract.
People say love is complicated, elusive, or subjective and differs from person to person, but I don’t agree. Sure, there are thousands of ways to describe it and even more metaphors to represent it, but if I were to speak about the essence of love, it is not complicated to explain at all. It is actually very simple.
“Loving another person is impossible unless you first show up with that same unconditional love for yourself”
Dr. Saliha Afridi
Love is accepting another person exactly as they are, and the experience of love is the safety that comes from that deep acceptance. Love is the opposite of fear. Acceptance does not mean tolerating the other person but actually having total positive regard and unconditional acceptance for who they are, as they are.
Not as we want them to be.
Not as we wished they were.
But, just as they are.
When I say this, the most common reaction I will get is, ‘What if they are abusive? What if they are toxic? What if they don’t love you in the same way?’ My response to that would be, ‘Why do you tolerate it and continue to be in that relationship that is hurtful to you? What do you need to either draw boundaries, advocate for yourself or leave that relationship? What does your inner child need the adult you to do?’ They will then respond, ‘But if I love them, doesn’t that mean I shouldn’t leave?’ No, it doesn’t. You can love someone and choose to leave and yes, you can leave with love. Loving another person does not mean you will stay in that relationship, it just means that you accept that this is who they are and that you will not change them.
The second most common reaction is people sabotaging love when they encounter it because they don’t know how to receive love. This happens because people gravitate toward what they already know in relationships and most people have not known unconditional love. So the experience of love feels ‘boring,’ ‘unexciting,’ and ‘predictable,’ or it feels ‘manipulative,’ ‘suspicious,’ and ‘unsafe,’ so they will consciously or unconsciously sabotage that relationship.
The third most common reaction is people saying, ‘I don’t know how to give this type of unconditional love.’ Loving another person – whether a romantic relationship, a parent-child relationship, a friendship, or even a sibling relationship – is impossible unless you first show up with the same unconditional love for yourself. People feel very uneasy with the idea of accepting themselves unconditionally because they feel that they might go to the ‘dark side’ as a result. They believe that they need that harsh inner sergeant to keep them in check. The truth is that you don’t need that sergeant. You need care, love, kindness and compassion for yourself when you make a mistake or act out of line with your values. You need understanding. That does not mean you accept all behaviours, but it does mean that you accept yourself through all behaviours and hold the position that you are a good and decent human being, acting in a way that is inconsistent with your highest values.
So while I did say that love is simple, I did not say it was easy. Because what most poets or movies will not tell you about, is that even in the most loving relationships… especially in the most loving relationships, yes, there will be joy, acceptance, encouragement, healing and transformation, but there will also be pain, sadness, disappointment, heartbreak and betrayal. Because when you say yes to love, you are also saying yes to vulnerability. You are saying yes to removing your armour. You are saying yes to all that you will be exposed to and experience when you remove that armour. You are saying yes to healing the wounds that will surface in yourself and the other.
So, saying yes to love and receiving it openheartedly can be a very scary experience… a heroic journey, a courageous journey – but it is the only path for those who want to experience what it means to be truly alive.
From Harper’s Bazaar Arabia’s February 2023 Issue