Dr. Saliha Afridi On Why Connecting With Your Inner Outlier Is Crucial For Your Overall Wellbeing
Dr. Saliha Afridi, clinical psychologist, managing director of The LightHouse Arabia and Bazaar’s columnist, reveals why living a singular life is worth fighting for
There is a part in all of us that challenges norms, pushes limits, and questions expectations. The part that wants to reject conformity, disrupt the status quo, and embrace change. The part that dares to step out of the ordinary and innovate, even when faced with opposition. We all carry a spark within, that pushes us to think differently act bravely, and dare to tread paths less travelled. Some call this part the inner trickster, others call it the hero/ heroine, but I will call this part our ‘inner outlier’.
An outlier in society is someone who is distinctively different from the norm, often exhibiting unique perspectives, abilities, or characteristics that set them apart from conventional expectations or standards. Because they challenge the conventions and traditions of their society, an outlier can encounter a lot of resistance. They grow up feeling different and referred to as “the black sheep of the family,” and are often dismissed, misunderstood, misjudged, and undervalued.
However, if we look through the history books and take note of anyone who changed the world for the better, from prophets to activists, each one of them challenged “the way things were.” These individuals had the courage to take a stand and dared to author their own life stories rather than live the story that was handed to them, and each one of them was connected to their inner outlier.
Re-connecting with your inner outlier on the journey of individuation
When we are born we are authentic and have access to our whole selves including our inner outlier. As we grow through life, we encounter many messages about what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behaviour. The traits, behaviours, and thoughts that are denied or rejected, either because they don’t align with our selfimage or because society deems them unacceptable, exist in the unconscious part of our personality, often referred to as our ‘shadow.’ At some point in life, we may start to feel the weight of those denied parts of ourselves and we may have the desire to live a more integrated and authentic life. These denied parts or this desire can show up in our life as feelings of not living up to our full potential, or feeling that we are not being true to ourselves. Other times it is a general feeling of life dissatisfaction, restlessness, and a sense that something is missing.
When you reach this point, you may choose to chart your own path and consciously commit to the journey of individuation. Individuation is a process of psychological development in which the individual becomes aware of and integrates all aspects of their personality, including the conscious, unconscious, and shadow aspects. It is a lifelong process that involves becoming more authentic, whole, and self-actualised. It is a process of becoming fully oneself, rather than trying to conform to the expectations of others. This journey involves becoming aware of one’s own unique gifts and talents and using them to live a meaningful and fulfilling life. In essence, individuation is the journey of becoming who you truly are, apart from societal expectations.
Three things to consider as you connect to your inner outlier:
1. It requires enormous amounts of both courage and compassion
Charting your own life path, and living your own personal values is not easy in a society or family that asks you to conform to its agenda. So, as you individuate and connect more to your inner outlier, you can expect that you will be met with a lot of judgment, resistance, disappointment, and betrayal from the people in your life. You will feel a lot of selfdoubt, confusion, fear, and feelings of isolation.
When that happens, it is important to remember that it is a normal part of the self-discovery journey in which you challenge the status quo. Acknowledging your fears, and working through your own inner resistance will be essential as you move toward wholeness and your authentic self again. Some questions to consider: What are some of the ways that you have felt judged or resisted by others for living your own truth? What are some of your fears about individuating and connecting more to your inner outlier? What steps can you take to acknowledge and work through your fears? What advice would you give someone who is facing disappointments and betrayals on their journey to individuation?
2. You will lose people and gain others
Perhaps the most difficult part of the journey, as you express your inner outlier, is knowing that you will lose people or the closeness with those people that have been a part of your life thus far. This is because as you change or express your own truth, people in your life may not be ready for that change or they may feel threatened by the change. So, as you grow and change, it’s natural that some of your relationships will no longer fit and letting go of those relationships that are no longer healthy or supportive will be a part of this journey.
However, as you become more authentic and true to yourself, you will attract new people into your life who are on a similar journey. These new relationships will be based on mutual respect, understanding, and support. Honouring and grieving those who are no longer share your path, while remaining open to meeting new people is an important part of the journey. Some questions to consider: Who are some people who have left your life as you have expressed your inner outlier? What did you learn from the loss of these relationships? How did you feel when these people left your life? Who are some people who have come into your life as you have expressed your inner outlier? What qualities do these people have that make them fulfilling relationships?
3. Outliers need others and use their gifts for the greater good
Being an outlier does not mean that you are isolated from society, in fact, it means the opposite. By finding ways to connect to others on your terms, while you are embracing your individuality, by not being afraid of being yourself even if you are different from the majority, and by using your unique gifts and skills to make a difference in society, your sense of belonging is actually strengthened. Some questions for you to consider: What aspects of your individuality have you held back out of fear of being different? How might expressing these aspects of yourself more openly enhance your connection to others? Who are the outliers who inspire you, and why? What can you learn from them about being an outlier while still maintaining connection and contribution to society?
Embracing our inner outlier isn’t a journey for the faint-hearted. It demands the audacity to step out of our comfort zone and question the status quo. It requires courage to live our own personal truth without approval from others, and it necessitates grit to withstand all the difficulties that come with personal growth on the path of individuation. However, the rewards are invaluable as we not only discover our unique potential and live a more authentic life but also pave the way for others to recognise and accept their own inner outlier.
From Harper’s Bazaar Arabia’s July/August 2023 issue.