What Is The Sandwich Generation? Dr. Saliha Afridi On The Struggles And Solutions Of Being Stuck In The Middle

Caught between looking after young children and ageing parents? Dr. Saliha Afridi PsyD (USA) Clinical Psychologist, managing director of The Lighthouse Arabia, on the struggle of the Sandwich Generation

Imagine trying to juggle the needs of your children, ageing parents, work and – somewhere in between – your own wellbeing. This is the daily reality for millions of women in their 30s, 40s and 50s who are part of the Sandwich Generation; those who are the emotional, financial and physical support of two generations – their parents and their children. For these people, self-care feels like an impossible luxury, while burnout seems like it’s always lurking around the corner.

Caregiver Burnout and Invisible Mental Load

Caregiving, at its heart, is an act of love – something we do without question. But the reality of constantly caring for others without a moment for yourself is that you get worn down mentally and physically and potentially burn out. Women, in particular, carry the weight of this emotional caregiving and invisible mental load. This includes the endless behind-the-scenes mental checklist of managing and organising family and household life: remembering doctor appointments for kids and parents, planning meals, keeping track of school projects and exams, attending birthday parties and playdates, and knowing when the fridge needs restocking. Even when others pitch in with the physical tasks, the burden of planning, anticipating needs, and ensuring everything runs smoothly often falls disproportionately on women. This burden, while largely unnoticed, is exhausting and overwhelming, leaving many women feeling as though they’re never ‘off duty’ and constantly falling short.

Many women in the Sandwich Generation also find themselves acting as the emotional anchor for both their children and ageing parents, all while managing their own mental and emotional health struggles. It’s not uncommon to be helping a teenager cope with stress and anxiety while simultaneously supporting a parent through depression or dementia – all while navigating your own feelings of anxiety, depression or burnout. Research shows that women aged 40-59 face some of the highest rates of mental health challenges, driven by the overwhelming pressures of caregiving, career demands, hormonal changes from perimenopause or menopause, and the cumulative stress of life’s demands.

In Uncharted Territory

We are among the first generations to face this particular set of challenges. With families waiting longer to have children and people living longer due to advances in healthcare, many find themselves in the unique position of having to care for young children and ageing parents at the same time. In the past, family structures were different – extended families often lived together and shared caregiving responsibilities. In addition, life expectancy was shorter, so the overlap of caring for two generations was less common. But in today’s world of fast-paced demands, intense career pressures and dispersed family units, caregiving responsibilities have become increasingly concentrated, placing unprecedented strain on the modern Sandwich Generation. Without putting any more pressure on yourself or adding one more thing to your ‘to do list, here are a few things you can consider:

1. Do not try to this without cultivating self-compassion

When you’re caring for your children and your ageing parents, inevitably you will feel inadequate or guilty for not doing enough for everyone. It’s normal to criticise yourself, especially when something slips through the cracks, such as forgetting an appointment or being irritable. To break the cycle of guilt and self-blame, actively practice self-compassion. Research on self-compassion recommends treating yourself as you would treat a close friend. When you catch yourself being overly self-critical, stop, be gentle with yourself, speak kindly to yourself, and recognise that you are human and doing your best in a difficult situation.

2. It’s important to have a nuanced understanding of your own energy levels

Because you have to show up energetically and emotionally for so many people, it is important to have an understanding of your own energy levels. This means being attuned to your physical, emotional, and mental resources and knowing when they are at their peak and when they are depleted. You can do this by checking in with yourself throughout the day but also paying attention to your daily, weekly, monthly cycles and rhythms of your energy and how different activities impact it. It is important to update this often, especially during times of transition, high stress, or as you enter perimenopause and menopause. For example, some people are more energised in the morning, while others find their focus sharpest later in the day. By tuning into these patterns, you can allocate your most demanding tasks – whether they are caregiving, work, or personal, to the times when you have the most energy. Similarly, knowing what drains you (emotionally taxing conversations or physically demanding tasks) and what recharges you (brief naps or quiet time) allows for better planning and self-management.

3. Ask for and lean on support systems

As long as we have lived on this planet, we have had a village that took care of each other and a tribe that looked after each other. Whether it was taking care of little kids or taking care of the elderly, everyone came together to take care of each other. One of the most important ways you are going to get through this time in your life is by leaning on the support systems around you, whether it’s asking your family for help, tapping into community resources, or even considering hiring professional caregivers to help you care for your parents. I know that sometimes asking for help is harder than it sounds, especially when cultural or societal expectations force you to take it all on yourself. But seeking support isn’t selfish or a weakness – it’s a lifeline.

4. Take recovery breaks

Research in the field of positive psychology emphasises the importance of recovery periods for resilience. Even a 10-minute walk, a quick stretch or a moment of quiet can recharge you enough to tackle the next task.

5. Get emotional support for yourself.

Share your struggles with trusted friends or a therapist. Research shows that verbalising emotions helps reduce their intensity and leads to effective problem solving. By lightening your emotional load, you create more space to manage the challenges you face and increase your capacity to show up fully for those who depend on you.

From Harper’s Bazaar Arabia November 2024 issue