Unveiling The Heart: A Guide in Understanding and Processing Emotion By Dr. Saliha Afridi
The clinical psychologist, managing director of The LightHouse Arabia and Bazaar’s columnist encourages us to push back emotional veils before they become insurmountable barriers
Imagine that every time you experience disappointment, heartache or heartbreak, a veil forms in front of your heart. For every pain a veil – and the bigger the pain, the thicker the veil. Soon enough, after enduring a lifetime of pain after pain, veil after veil, you find yourself numb and incapable of accessing your heart behind what has become a heavy shroud. This covering of the heart happens to many of us throughout a lifetime of experiences and relationships. Unless a deliberate effort is made to lift these veils, or in other words metabolise, process, and release the emotions that come with the hurt or the disappointment, the veils become a thick barrier behind which one feels detached, unable to feel hurt, pain, and sorrow and also unable to feel joy, excitement and wonder. The veils of the heart can include:
The veil of unprocessed grief
Every ending, every goodbye, every rejection, every feeling of being abandoned, results in grief. Most often grief is unacknowledged, dismissed or rushed through. People want to ‘quickly get over it’ or ‘move on’ to the point where many just flat out deny grief. For a new mother to say that she is grieving her carefree life, or for one friend to grieve the loss of her companion feels petty and juvenile, but without acknowledging the hurt, showing self-compassion and self-care during these times, the heart automatically will conceal and protect itself from yet another sad ending.
The veil of unexpressed anger
People, especially women, carry unacknowledged and unexpressed anger in the centre of their heart because society has not yet made it acceptable for a woman to accept, express, and use her anger constructively. A woman who is asserting her truth is labelled as ‘too intense’, ‘aggressive’ or ‘bossy’.
The veil of resentment
Unresolved conflicts and unaddressed difficult emotions can result in a veil of resentment getting so thick that it becomes a barrier creating obstacles in our communication, understanding or perception of reality. When this happens, the relationship suffers and people are no longer communicating heart to heart but with emotional detachment and lack of compassion. Before you know it, the veils create such a distance that you do not see or feel the other person’s humanity.
The veil of shame
Feelings of being defective or not good enough can result in people hiding their truth and authenticity behind veils. They dare not expose their true selves, for fear that they might be judged, rejected, or ridiculed. This self-isolation shuts them off to love, support and understanding from others.
The veil of toxic positivity
Unlike other veils which are a result of painful feelings, a veil of toxic positivity forms due an unhealthy focus on maintaining a positive outlook at all times, even when it is not appropriate or genuine, causing emotional and psychological barriers between the individual and the world. To force oneself to ‘look on the bright side’ when something inside is yearning to be acknowledged or tended to is a denial of the self. Removing psychological and spiritual veils from your heart involves tending to yourself, cultivating selfawareness, making a commitment to heal hurt, and learning how to communicate what you need. Here are some strategies to help you experience a more authentic connection with yourself and others:
1. Practice self-awareness.
One of the most important things you can do to live openheartedly is to feel confident in your relationship with yourself. Making time to be with yourself, tend to yourself, care for yourself, listen to yourself – these are all part of cultivating self-awareness. You can develop a deeper understanding of your emotions, thoughts, and beliefs by engaging in activities such as mindfulness practices (cultivating the observer self), journaling (try using prompts if you don’t know where to begin), engaging in self-reflection (processing how you spent the day, what triggered you, what excited you), and/or working with a therapist.
2. Embrace vulnerability
In a world that is becoming increasingly narrow in its display of emotions through perfectly filtered and curated experiences and images, allow yourself to experience and express a full range of emotions, including difficult ones, in a healthy and constructive manner. Trust that you will not feel the anger, grief, or hurt forever, and that by allowing these feelings to surface, you can hear their message and release them with more ease. You can also share your feelings, thoughts, and experiences with trusted individuals to foster deeper connections and reduce shame.
3. Develop emotional intelligence [EQ]
Work on recognising, understanding, and managing your emotions and those of others, especially in times of conflict or disagreement. How will you communicate your anger kindly? How will you assert your needs gently? Actively learning EQ skills can enhance your interpersonal skills and help remove barriers of resentment, shame, and grief from your heart and allow you to have deeper connections in your relationships.
4. Engage in spiritual practices
Pursue spiritual activities that resonate with you, such as meditation, prayer, or mindfulness, to help foster a deeper connection with yourself and your beliefs. Spiritual practices are known to purify the heart and bring energy into the heart centre, by softening it and allowing the vitality to move through it, you can remove the barriers formed by hurt and cultivate the courage and the trust that is needed for wholehearted and open-hearted living.
5. Practice forgiveness
This is one of the hardest to do, but it is the most powerful in terms of removing the veils from the heart. I have found that the best way to forgive others is to make the intention to first heal your own wounds that resulted from the betrayal or disappointment. More often than not, underneath the hurt or rejection from the other person lies a belief that you were not enough, or did not do enough, which resulted in the other person hurting you. So start with forgiving yourself and then forgiving others for past mistakes or grievances. This will help release emotional burdens. Cultivate a mindset of understanding and compassion towards yourself and others. Removing psychological, emotional and spiritual barriers is a process that takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself as you work on personal growth, healing, and whole-hearted living. Remember that progress may be gradual and that setbacks are a natural part of the journey, but by working on these strategies, you can gradually move towards an open heart and a deeper connection with yourself and others.
From Harper’s Bazaar Arabia’s May 2023 issue.