In Defence Of The Duchess Of Sussex: Why It’s Vital We Discuss Our Darkest Moments
Meghan’s public outpouring of grief is not ‘inappropriate’, it’s a sign of strength
The Duchess of Sussex has done a very un-English thing – she has talked about personal tragedy openly and honestly. Today, the former royal shared her experience of suffering a miscarriage in July, a decision that will doubtlessly add fuel to the fire of the already negative rhetoric that surrounds her.
Her story, published in the New York Times, will inevitably be met with questions about why she decided to share such a private issue, especially when she doesn’t want negative press. Let’s be clear – the awareness Meghan will raise for the pain caused by miscarriages is immeasurable. There is such silence around the subject of miscarriages, despite their grim commonality, and a discomfort about how to support those who have felt its icy hands, be it the partner, family or friends. Chrissy Teigen’s agonisingly candid pictures depicting the loss of her baby mid-pregnancy in October prompted similar criticism. As Meghan points out in her essay, mourning is often done in isolation. Talking about our pain – as discomforting as it might be to others, particularly in the UK where we invented the term ‘stiff upper lip’ – makes our hurt lighter. It is healing. Meghan’s public sharing of her story will help so many to feel less alone; it will help remove the unwarranted shame, misplaced self-blame and stigma that comes with loss of life mid-pregnancy.
But the positive impact of this outpouring of grief goes beyond the heartbreaking tragedy of miscarriages. It is important to know we can air our darkest moments and most deeply knotted struggles; when we bring those most difficult experiences into the light everyone is richer for it. Greater knowledge and understanding of trauma and suffering helps us to manage it better, both when we inevitably experience it ourselves in life, or when we see a loved one or even a stranger going through tough times. How many more decades will it take for us to realise that the aforementioned ‘stiff upper lip’ serves no one? How many celebrity suicides need to happen before we realise that wealth and power don’t make you immune to all of life’s hardships? How many soldiers, both literal and figurative, need to suffer from heightened PTSD because they were told to ‘keep calm and carry on’? We have moved on from a period when emotional repression was a national source of pride, but our journey is not over yet.
Men particularly are conditioned not to show anything that can be perceived as ‘weakness’, even though doing so demonstrates quite the opposite – it requires courage. We cannot forever repress our emotions and pain without them manifesting themselves in other ways, whether physically, through anxiety attacks, or emotionally, through lashing out at others or angry outbursts. When we press our hurt down like a spring, eventually it will ping back with more ferociousness, intensity and power than was there to begin with. In terms of science and statistics, people who might be classed as emotionally ‘strong’ – the stiff upper lipped – are more likely to end up with depression or PTSD than those who express their feelings. We fear that if we allow our sadness to come into the light, then we will be forever known as a sad person; a burden for all those around us. Sadness does not make you a sad person; it’s a feeling, and humans are complicated beasts who can never be defined by just one emotion. We don’t have to be dominated by our feelings; but we do need to address them if we are to live healthily. Perhaps the middle road is to be guided by them, not led.
There is no right way to process heartbreak or tragedy; everyone should be entitled to handle it however they want to, and they certainly shouldn’t be judged for it. Going public is brave, but Meghan is even braver for doing so knowing what was about to come next – harsh criticism, judgement and another fresh dose of the abuse that forced her and her family to leave the UK. Everyone is entitled to share their personal story of despair. In an age when loneliness howls around cities, towns and villages, when so many of us are distanced from those we love, when loss and sacrifice are so piercingly noisy, it is time we reserved judgement and truly listened.
Written by Ella Alexander
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