Dr. Saliha Afridi: What To Do When the Holidays Hurt

The festive season is not always a time for celebration. Dr. Saliha Afridi offers some sage advice on dealing with loneliness, sadness, and loss during December

The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, festivities, and of course, friends and family. Whether on social media or with events in our community, we are bombarded with deep cultural messages and emotional expectations about this time being a time of connection and warmth. But that is not the experience of many people. For many, it is a time of loneliness, grief and anxiety and much like Mr. Scrooge being visited by uninvited ghosts in A Christmas Carol, many of us are visited by uninvited feelings during the holidays – feelings that can make the season difficult and overwhelming.

Here are five common feelings people can have during the holiday season and how to cope:

1. Loneliness

Loneliness is one of the most common and difficult feelings people face during the holidays. For many, this season can intensify feelings of loneliness, whether it’s due to being far from loved ones, being single or having no close family ties. The contrast between people’s experience versus the cultural expectations is a painful reminder of what is missing in their life, making their loneliness feel more pronouced and heavier.

How to cope: Start small. Start with making an effort to engage in low-pressure interactions, like saying “hello” to a neighbour or smiling at a cashier. Instead of joining new communities, consider spending time in familiar places where you can enjoy casual company – your gym, a coffee shop, or the bookstore. These connections can help you feel part of a community, even if it’s only for a short time. A zoom call to someone you care about can also help bridge the emotional gap. And finally, consider reframing loneliness as an opportunity for solitude. While loneliness often feels imposed, solitude can be a choice — a chance to reflect on and reconnect with yourself.

2. Grief

For those who have lost a loved one – whether through death, estrangement, or the end of a relationship – the holiday season can bring up feelings of sadness and grief. Rituals and traditions that once brought joy can now feel hollow or bittersweet due to the absence of that someone who was once a part of them. The absence of a loved one can be especially painful at gatherings, meals and familiar traditions.

How to cope: Give yourself permission to celebrate differently when you are grieving, perhaps by introducing new traditions that honour your current reality. If your loved one has died, consider a ritual to acknowledge your loved one’s presence in spirit – it could be a candle lit in their memory, a toast in their honour, or a quiet moment of reflection about shared memories. If you are experiencing grief associated with the absence of a loved one due to estrangement or a break-up, give yourself permission to feel these mixed emotions – sadness, anger, or even relief – without judgment. Consider creating new rituals which can help you reclaim the season on your own terms and create new memories that honour your path forward.

3. Anxiety

The thought of being with family may sound warm and comforting to some people, but for others, it can bring up feelings of anxiety. Not everyone has a close relationship with their family, and the holidays can force people in family gatherings that can be tense and uncomfortable. For some, the break from their regular rhythms and routine to spend extended time with family is overwhelming and can bring up past conflicts or unresolved issues.

How to cope: While you may not be able to avoid difficult family members, you can set boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Schedule quiet time to recharge before encounters and plan time to recuperate afterward. When with challenging family members, keep conversations light and focused on superficial topics, steering clear of emotionally triggering subjects. If a conversation becomes overwhelming, allow yourself to step away politely – to “take a call” or “make a cup of tea.” To stay grounded, keep a note on your phone with reminders or affirmations to help you through tough moments, and refer to it before, during, and after these interactions.

4. Stress

Yes, even for those that have the holiday cheer, the holidays often bring with it additional stress. From financial pressures to a calendar full of social obligations, the season can create a sense of pressure that can leave many of us feeling overwhelmed. Buying gifts, organising family gatherings, and meeting expectations (our own and those of others) can all contribute to increased stress levels. For many, this pressure to ‘do it all’ is stressful and leaves little room to enjoy the holidays.

How to cope: One of the best ways to cope with holiday stress is to set realistic expectations for yourself and others. Remember, it’s not just about managing time but also managing your energy. Before committing to social obligations, check in with yourself to see if you’ll have the energy or if you need a day or two to recuperate between events. Simplify where possible – prioritise what truly matters to you and let go of the rest. Be intentional about recharging and recovering, whether through a quiet morning walk or a brief midday break. If gift-giving creates financial strain, consider alternatives like handmade items or shared experiences.

5. Disappointment

The holidays are often idealised in movies, on social media, and even in our own memories. We have the image of the perfect celebration, a joyous exchange of gifts, and having deep connections with family. Gatherings can be chaotic, family dynamics can often be tense, and moments you were expecting to be magical can often fall short. This gap between our expectations and the reality can result in us feeling let down, and nostalgic for an idealised version of the holidays that never actually existed.

How to cope: By adjusting your expectations and focusing on small moments of gratitude, you can mitigate feelings of disappointment. Instead of expecting a perfect celebration, try to find joy in smaller, simpler moments like a warm meal, a shared laugh, or connecting with friends you have not met in a while. Practice letting go of control over what things “should” look like and make room for the messiness that can be very much a part of the holiday season.

Just remember…

It’s natural to experience a wide range of emotions at the end of the year and during the holidays. The key to dealing with the difficult emotions is not to try to banish them but to learn to coexist with them. Just as Scrooge learns something about himself through the visitations from his ghosts, we, too, can use our feelings as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth.

From Harper’s Bazaar Arabia’s December 2024 issue.