Carla DiBello On The True Meaning Of Love and Relationships
The entrepreneur and celebrity style insider on how she has come to rethink the deified role of romantic love
In every aspect of our culture, we are told that romantic love is the answer to happiness. It’s considered to be one of the noblest goals that we are encouraged to strive for. We are told that it is a rush – a thrill that encompasses one’s entire being. And that when we find it, we will have reached nirvana, swept up in a tizzy of blissful emotion and happily-ever-afters. Because of this, we let these feelings lead in our search for love and even go so far as to chastise those who stop to weigh the practicalities of relationships. Like most people I know, I too have led with these kinds of swept-up emotions in previous relationships, believing that love will conquer all.
But as I’ve gotten older and learned from the past, I’ve come to realise that quite often this is actually the worst thing we can do for a healthy romantic relationship. When we place more value on loveswept emotions than we do on the measured work needed for a romantic relationship to thrive, we do a disservice, not only to the Self and our intuition, but to the other person and the relationship itself. We overlook red flags and excuse behaviours. We glorify self-martyrdom in the name of romance. And we run the risk of overlooking the real aspects of a relationship that bring true happiness.
Pair this with mounting research which suggests that marriage does not always equate with better overall happiness, health, or well-being (especially for women). In fact, only healthy marriages that are well-balanced when it comes to spousal support – both emotionally and in shared responsibilities – improve happiness, health, and well-being. And given that we as a culture (and again, especially as women) are taught to sacrifice for love, we are unfortunately not set up to thrive either in marriage or romantic relationships.
When I look back on all the relationships throughout my life, the ones that have truly brought me the greatest fulfilment and joy have not been romantic relationships at all, but rather, the relationships within my community. From close-knit family to old friends with whom I’ve grown alongside throughout the years, the relationships that have served me best have been ones with the fewest conditions attached – but the most unconditional support.
Looking back at the research, it all starts to make sense. According to the National Library of Medicine, a strong connection to community benefits us in multiple ways, from higher self-esteem and a more positive outlook to solid health benefits such as lower blood pressure, decreased mortality, and even lower risk of diseases such as cardiovascular disease and diabetes.
When it’s all laid out, the imbalance of emphasis placed upon different types of love and connection is glaring. Happiness and health come less from cultivating a romantic love and more from actively working on building love and connection with those already in our lives. And while romantic love can definitely be a wonderful thing, I am choosing to see love not as a noun, but as a verb instead. Love is not something that just happens to us, but rather something that we must work to actively practice. I’ve worked hard to build a close community that accepts each other for who we are, nurtures each other and encourages one another’s growth. And in so doing, love becomes an act of self-empowerment and something that is entirely within our own control.
So this month, instead of searching for where we receive love, what if we focus on how and where we could give more of it? My guess is that doing so would result in higher yields of happiness for everyone involved.
Photography: Efraim Evidor. Styling: Imogene Legrand. Carla Wears: Dress, Dhs3,570, CH Carolina Herrera; Shoes, Dhs3,400, Bottega Veneta. Hair: Sisters Beauty Lounge. Make-Up: Sarah Saya. With thanks to the Five Palm Jumeriah.